but it’s only 51 days to my big hurdle!

i only have 51 days left! 51!!!!!

everyday i ask myself the same question, “am i ready for it?” and my answer is still the same: NO!

51 days to my 1st Profesional Exam and about 8 months to graduation! am i ready for them? Nope! :S

i’m not ready to answer 10-mark questions in 4-9 minutes. i’m not ready to examine a patient in 5 minutes or 15 minutes and answer questions from the great specialists. i’m not ready to look at some pictures, have a diagnosis in my mind and answer the questions in 5 minutes. i’m simply not ready to vomit out answers like i have food poisoning!

that’s scary..yup! but what comes after that is scarier! i’m so not ready to manage patients! the only thing i can confidently prescribe is Paracetamol! Haha….

i must admit it’s a very frustrating season for me now. the more i know and discover, the more i realise i don’t know! the more i realise i don’t know, the more freaked out i become! and it doesn’t help when i’m not the only one feeling this way and i hear very depressed/discouraging comments so frequently!

so, in my lethargy and frustration last week, i asked my kor, Alvin, what to do when you don’t know what to do? and he sent me a link to one of his blog entries that really encouraged me. Here’s the entry:

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The time I took to run the Adidas Sundown Marathon 2009.

The whole race was tough and painful. Nevertheless it anchored a deep thought once again within me.

I told a friend before the race that I never train for it.

He said, “Just move those legs, swing those arms, and remember to smile. Because you’ll never know when a photographer is around to snap your face. Don’t wanna end up with grumpy running pics.”

I made it, I did it with a smile on my face (at least throughout most of the 42km).

Now I am heading back to another Marathon. It is call LIFE.

It is a Marathon that I did not train for.

But..

I am just gonna move these legs, swing these arms and remember to smile. Because I’ll never know when God is gonna show up to give me my breakthrough in life. Don’t wanna end up with grumpy life story

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WOW! That encouraged me!

And in one of the days when i was fasting this week, i turned to a passage that says we ought to live as we are called. (Check out 1 Corinthians 7:17). so, in other words, i can’t compare my lifestyle with another person who is called to do something completely different. so, i can’t whine about how i need to stay home and study while my peers who are working go out and hang out. just like how a supermodel shouldn’t whine about how she can’t eat as much as we gluttons do because it’s part of her job to stay in shape. an athlete can’t compare his training time with the time i spend exercising. a dancer can’t complaint about hitting the gym for long hours to build her stamina. i know it can be quite sucky sometimes! i mean…i gotta sit for 2 exams on Christmas eve while everyone’s celebrating! bargh! how about being on-call on Christmas Day? Argh! But oh well..it’s part of the deal, part of the job, part of the calling. Live it out!

having said that, i must admit, i still feel discouraged at times, i still whine, i still feel uncertain. my answer to my initial question is still NO and i still don’t know how to finish studying and ace the exams and be a good doctor. but like what my mentor, Abel told me:

“whatever you do, just don’t give up”.

so, to all of you out there who are in the same season as me, especially my batchmates, well..what can i say? i’ve no solution either. but i once heard a wise saying from a man by the name of Phil Pringle (btw, i really love his blog! Check it out HERE!):

You can only do what you can do. If you’ve done what you can do, what else can you do? Don’t feel guilty for what you cannot do

and the most sucky thing that can happen is working real hard but doing the wrong thing! i mean..imagine studying so hard only to realise during the exams that you’ve been studying the wrong things/way. imagine climbing up the ladder only to realise you’ve climbed up the wrong wall when u reach the top!

and boy i’m glad there’s 1 promise in the Bible that says, “the steps of the righteous are ordained by God”!

Phew…

51 days….i’ve never felt so uncertain in my life! but i’m gonna move these legs, swing these arms and remember to smile

but SUNshine has really been very caught up with loads of work! we just had our Emerge conference last weekend and boy! it was such a blast! in the midst of much physical pain and stress from exams, the best thing i did was to set time aside to go for it!

now SUNshine has to buck up even more for my exams tmr and Thurs! pray for me and with me ya!

more updates right after my exams and all abt Emerge! stay tuned!

Someday…perhaps…

SUNshine is thinking about someone…

I’m not physically tired but mentally. I think cos I gotta keep learning and putting info into my not-so-big pinky brain!

When I came back from uni today, I was so tired I didn’t know what to do. I tried sleeping, but I couldn’t. I tried playing games, wondered if I should eat but didn’t have the appetite, couldn’t bear reading another word and therefore couldn’t check out my FB, chat on MSN or read emails.

In moments like this, I know my remedy I quickly listened to some praise and worship songs and just be in the Presence of God. Then I read some entries that Pastor Kong put up as daily devotion on his blog everyday. Fooohhhh!! You won’t believe how renewed and strengthened I feel now!

No wonder Jesus called those who are burdened and tired to go to Him and He truly promises to give us rest. And no wonder the Bible tells us that in the Presence of God is rest, peace, joy and those who wait upon the Lord shall have their strength renewed. Amazing how real it is!

And this…is called the anointing!

Fooohhhh!!! Back to my notes! Surgery is frustrating! Haha! I’m more frustrated than nervous about my exams next week! So much to learn, so much to understand and remember and so little time!

Semangat SUNshine! C’mon! Semangat ya!

SUNshine gotta be up real early tomorrow morning. Case presentation with the great surgeon at 7am tomorrow morning! Goodness!

It’s difficult to accept because it’s the hard truth! He preached on true maturity in Christ. Although God promised many blessings for His children aka us, in reality, we see a lot of suffering, we ourselves go through very bad times. Even people who love God with all their hearts and lay down their lives to serve God go through much suffering. Why do bad things happen to good people, righteous people, holy people?

The truth is this: True maturity is total abandonement to God’s will. When our world falls apart and we lose everything (and I mean EVERYTHING!),  are we still going to love God, bless His name, praise Him and worship Him or are we going to curse Him right at His face?

One man that God Himself called the most righteous man on earth lost everything. His name is Job. And yet, through it all, he could praise God, fall on his knees to worship Him and trust in Him. And he understood that all these trials will make him come forth as gold (Job 23:10).

One thing that I always tell God is: I can lose anything and everything, but I cannot lose Him. Sometimes, I really wonder how I would react when I really lose everything! God forbid that day!

But I realise no matter how much pain I feel, how heartbroken I am, how disappointed I am, how ill I am, how upset I am, I could never bring myself to curse the name of God. I mean..how do you do that?! I may sulk, I may cry, but I made a decision to always, in every season, bring a sacrifice of praise to God and be thankful.

Yet, I think this sermon is difficult to swallow and my highest respect to Job who went through that. I so hope I can shake his hand in heaven one day! Haha….

Just a quick update on myself. I’m currently in Surgery posting, exactly mid-point of my posting! Much to study, much to learn! And it doesn’t help when what I see in the wards are different from what I read from books!

I’ve also just returned from Padang, Indonesia for relief work. It was an amazing experience! Glad to have been able to use what God has given me to help others. I would so love to blog all about it and post up loads of pictures, but I don’t have the pics yet! I’ll blog about it, especially on my personal thoughts and experiences real soon. After my surgery exams and when I get the pictures ya

For a report on that trip, do visit www.chc.org.my You can watch the video announcements on the left. Do wait for yours truly to appear and share about the trip. It’s not the first annoucement

Unfortunately, 5 out of 7 of the team from Singapore and KL were ill when we came back. The 3 of us from KL had diarrhoea since last Sunday! I had diarrhoea 20 times in 24 hours exactly 1 week ago! That’s a record! Haha…I vomited once also and was very nauseated. So, with much output and not much input, I was very lethargic. But I’m much better now. Although my tummy still hurts when I try to eat a normal diet and I still get diarrhoea once or twice a day, I’m very much back on my feet. Just that I hope I can eat more than plain porridge, plain bread and plain crackers without abdominal discomfort! I lost 1kg in this 1 week! Good news but I prefer to have my appetite back le. But I was really touched by how everyone in church, especially the leaders kept praying for us and were so concerned. My family was amazing in supporting me too!

Emerge fever is very much ON in church now! For more details, do check out www.emergekl.my

I’ve much thoughts, but very little time to blog about them. More to come real soon ya!

Keep on praying for me ya. I really want to be strong and healthy to be more productive!

She’s Out Of My Life
She’s Out Of My Life
And I Don’t Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry
I Don’t Know Whether To Live Or Die
And It Cuts Like A Knife
She’s Out Of My Life

It’s Out Of My Hands
It’s Out Of My Hands
To Think For Two Years She Was Here
And I Took Her For Granted I Was So Cavalier
Now The Way That It Stands
She’s Out Of My Hands

So I’ve Learned That Love’s Not Possession
And I’ve Learned That Love Won’t Wait
Now I’ve Learned That Love Needs Expression
But I Learned Too Late

She’s Out Of My Life
She’s Out Of My Life
Damned Indecision And Cursed Pride
Kept My Love For Her Locked Deep Inside
And It Cuts Like A Knife
She’s Out Of My Life

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Are you out of my life? Wonder if it was my fault. Did I do say/do anything wrong? Wonder if there’s anything that I can do to restore the friendship at least. Well…to at least say hi when we meet?

Wish I could be there to walk with you in every step of life. To support you and cheer you on. But I don’t know how to gain access to that position once again.

Just be happy and do well please. Praying for you and cheering you on..from afar

but it’s great watching you from afar. no one gets hurt that way

sure hope what’s displayed from the outward reflects what’s truly in you: happy, doing well, satisfied, loved, working so hard doing great things.

so proud of you.

praying for you really works!

please finally have the courage to breakthrough fast.

that way, i can really let go and leave…for good.

am i ready? hmph…

i know it’ll be great! it’ll be refreshing and it’ll be a great blessing!

stay tuned for the details when i come back

Flashes of memories fill her mind as she read through the words that he wrote months back. One fear that filled her heart as these words repeated themselves like an echo in her heart: Have they reached a point where the issue cannot be mended? Is he leaving her because he thinks she is happier without him in her future?

But if that’s his mindset and decision, does that mean his love for her is true? And if his love for her is true and she’s sure her love for him is true, why can’t they be together? Why choose a path where both of them will hurt and be in pain, rather than a path where both will be happy and fulfilled?

A greater fear crept in her heart as she ponders upon the never ending questions: It’s simple. He has never loved her. That would still explain why he’s leaving her and why 2 people who have true love for one another chose not to be together.

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Disclaimer: This is yet another fiction post by the author from an inspiration after reading something her friend posted. This post has nothing to do with anyone dead or alive that the author knows.