Job

SUNshine just heard one of the most difficult sermons to swallow down/digest/accept! It’s “The Sufferings of Job (Part A)” by Pst Kong. CLICK HERE to listen to it

It’s difficult to accept because it’s the hard truth! He preached on true maturity in Christ. Although God promised many blessings for His children aka us, in reality, we see a lot of suffering, we ourselves go through very bad times. Even people who love God with all their hearts and lay down their lives to serve God go through much suffering. Why do bad things happen to good people, righteous people, holy people?

The truth is this: True maturity is total abandonement to God’s will. When our world falls apart and we lose everything (and I mean EVERYTHING!),  are we still going to love God, bless His name, praise Him and worship Him or are we going to curse Him right at His face?

One man that God Himself called the most righteous man on earth lost everything. His name is Job. And yet, through it all, he could praise God, fall on his knees to worship Him and trust in Him. And he understood that all these trials will make him come forth as gold (Job 23:10).

One thing that I always tell God is: I can lose anything and everything, but I cannot lose Him. Sometimes, I really wonder how I would react when I really lose everything! God forbid that day!

But I realise no matter how much pain I feel, how heartbroken I am, how disappointed I am, how ill I am, how upset I am, I could never bring myself to curse the name of God. I mean..how do you do that?! I may sulk, I may cry, but I made a decision to always, in every season, bring a sacrifice of praise to God and be thankful.

Yet, I think this sermon is difficult to swallow and my highest respect to Job who went through that. I so hope I can shake his hand in heaven one day! Haha….

Contradiction

today was a beautiful and joyous day for her. she not just saw him, but she saw him happy.

it’s a weird feeling. a somewhat contradictory one. a mixture of gladness and sadness. a blend of peace and anxiety. an assimilation of conviction and doubt.

she saw him happy. but she wasn’t the source of his joy. she saw him doing things he likes, but not with her. she found out the people that bring joy to him, but it’s not her.

she’s more and more convinced how important this person is to her, but is doubting more and more that it’s mutual. perhaps..just perhaps..she did get things right afterall. it somehow feels unfair. it somehow feels that he was the one that started it. but she has only herself to blame to allow herself to get into this mess.

but it doesn’t seem to matter anymore. as long as he’s happy, that’s all that matters to her. she has no quelms about him going out with the other her …alone. or him having loads of fun without her. as long as he’s happy, healthy and doing well, that’s all that matters to her.

perhaps it really is true: true love is when you long to see your significant other happy, even if it means not having you in his/her life and future.

the more she ponders upon this, the more she realise how silly it was for her to think that perhaps…just perhaps…there’s a little chance of them being happy together. this is not her game. she’s not up to it. she’s nowhere near to giving him the happiness he deserves. she’s not able to give him as much as she hopes to. sometimes, it feels that he’s much happier without her.

if only he would say something…perhaps with him not saying anything is the best indication of what truly is inside. if out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, does it mean that out of the lack of the heart, the mouth is silenced?

Silly me

sometimes we make so silly mistakes in life we don’t know whether to laugh at ourselves or be so embarassed and ashamed of them.

SUNshine just had one of those moments.

time for damage control! haha…

i can do it! i know i can…

Disbelief!

This is unbelievable! Whatever that happened the past 6 months is just…unbelievable!

Can’t believe I let that happen and I have no one else to blame but myself. Sigh.

Really gotta pay the price to get myself out of this mess now eh?

The only consolation I get is: It’s never too late to fix it and get myself out of this.

God help me ya….It cannot and must not get any worse. Time for change.

A dream

what took me 6 months to awaken from a dream? a dream which i thought was real, only to realise how far it is from reality. a dream which consumed me and pierced through my inner being.

a dream which became more unreal when pursued. a dream which will only remain a dream, no matter what  i do.

but it was a dream that taught me valuable lessons. a dream that taught me love, patience and passion. a dream that will make my next dream come true.

wo zhong yu an jing le…

hai hao wo you wo xia yi ge qing ge…

sure hope i’m not getting things wrong again. sure hope i’m not praying for the wrong thing. it’s not that i changed or i don’t care anymore. but then again, this is the best i know how. what else can i do? how else should i handle this?

call me the loser. the one that walked away. the unfaithful one, the one that couln’t wait, couldn’t hope, couldn’t believe. but i refuse to believe that this is the best that God has to offer. there must be something more.

no turning back this time. if it happens, it has to re-happen. whatever that means….detox first! all out this time! all out my dear…not like he needs me anyway…sigh.

Qing Ge

ni xie gei wo

wo de di yi shou ge

ke shi na ren hou ne?

xin hai re zhe ye gai gao yi duan luo

hai hao wo you

wo xia yi shou qing ge…..

24

This song is absolutely beautiful. Initially, I was really wondering what on earth this song means. Why 24? Why not 25,26 or 28?
As I keep listening to it, I began to grasp the meaning more. And this is what I found too:
“I wrote this song near the end of my 24th year on this planet. Wherever we run, wherever the sun finds us when he rises, we remain stuck with ourselves. That can be overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like my soul is polluted with politicians, each with a different point of view. With all 24 of them in disagreement, each voice is yelling to be heard. And so I am divided against myself. I feel that I am a hypocrite until I am one, when all of the yelling inside of me dies down. I’ve heard that the truth will set you free. That’s what I’m living for: freedom of spirit. I find unity and peace in none of the diversions that this world offers. But I’ve seen glimpses of truth and that’s where I want to run” – Jon Foreman

As I keep listening to this song, 1 thought came to my mind. How come God has never given up on me even when I keep failing Him time and again…after 24 hours of 24 years?

And after these 24 hours of 24 years, He is still raising these 24 voices with 24 hearts, all of my symphonies in 24 parts. Sometimes when it’s difficult to comprehend the love of God, probably it’ll help to remember how screwed up we can be and yet..yet…through it all He never gives up on us and in fact, believes in us! Amazing love!

And in these 24 years, the best and greatest decision I’ve ever made was to be the 2nd man, and let Him be first.

24 years and counting…what will the next 24 years of my life bring? Excited!

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Mid (med sch) life crisis!

SUNshine just came back from a little getaway with her family. It was overall a fun-filled time and actually, most of the time, it was food-filled time! Haha….There goes all her hard work for the past few weeks! It’s a good thing she’s getting fitter and addicted to swimming and working out in the gym! Btw, my resting pulse rate is 58 bpm! Hehe….bradycardia! I prefer to think that I have an athlete’s heart!

But SUNshine is back to reality now and it’s time to catch up with loads of work! Gotta finish those super time consuming reports and then I can study in peace for exam on Friday! FRIDAY! Actually, I don’t know how to study in peace for family medicine, orthopaedics and psychiatry! Argh! My 3 weakest postings! OK….the 3 postings that I dislike the most! Haha….I actually did pretty well in family medicine and psychiatry previously.

SUNshine suddenly felt overwhelmed the moment she came back to reality. So much to do, so much to handle, so much to juggle and so little time and so little progress and so little results! Argh! Maybe I felt bad for travelling right before my exams! But oh well, family is important too. Maybe it’s mid (med sch) life crisis!

I’m really trying to take this slightly less stressful sem to balance my life a little here. To put in effort in every area of my life: studies, health, beauty, relationships, ministry, business, finances, general knowledge, fashion, almost everything! Haha….And I realise, there’s really a lot to work on! And I wonder why I keep wondering how I’m gonna cope in Sem 9 &10 and HOUSEMANSHIP! I’ve really been thinking about housemanship! Sigh……..It’s in moments like these that I wonder why on earth I chose medicine? Oh yeah..the purpose and calling and passion thingie. Bleh!

Haih………got a few issues to sort out here. The most troubling one: nothing much I can do because there just isn’t anything I can do about it. Sure hope this isn’t ignorance and an opportunity that I blew away! But I’m sure God knows I’ve tried my best. Sure hope I have the wisdom to put in my best on the RIGHT decision. Sigh.

Other issues here and there: Sem9! Seriously…The thought of going to Sem9 scares me! Another round of EOS like in Sem7! Sucks! Doctor’s Conference is coming up! Some important people are coming back real soon and I’ve got mixed feelings about it! A mixture of joy, excitement, nervousness and relief! Hehe…There’s an event coming up which I’m not too sure if I should be involved in. It’s something I love and it’ll be fun. But I’m so busy! Sure don’t wanna do a lousy job! But it sounds like an awesome opportunity!

Aaahhhh…life is just full of decisions! But what is life without them eh? Hehe…

In moments like these when I hope life could be easier and happier, blogs like Jill’s cheer me up! I love to read her life story and feel her joy and bahagia-ness! (sorry…I can’t find an english word that can fully describe “bahagia”. Joy and happiness understate that word). And I like to read and remember Shirley’s story too. They remind me that there can be a happily ever after kinda life and really..things do work out for the good of those who love Him. The best part of Jill’s blog is…it reminds me that there are seasons in life. The season of her life now is to be a housewife, taking care of her hubby and baby. That sounds like a dream life to me now but my season is to enjoy my messed-up, stressful youth life! No point wishing I’m a housewifey now and miss out all the fun of my youth days 20 years later! Reminds me to enjoy the experiences I’m going through now: the joy, the excitement, the freedom of being single and young and wild, the pain of heart breaks and the great feeling of having big dreams and working to achieve them! That makes me feel human and that I’m alive!

OK…finish venting and time to finish my reports like…by TONIGHT! And yes, for all the issues I’ve gotta work on, SUNshine is moving to a season of fasting in her life! Much to do.much to do….and I can’t do it alone. So, better walk closer to my Partner! And yes…I am learning to chill more and think less. But I really think I ought to be doing more in life and be useful to my society. Haha… Let’s just cope with the stress and inferiority complex by listening to Christmas songs!!! Hahahaha….

Wild heart

her favourite music is playing in the background. how beautiful and peaceful. yet, she keeps tossing on bed. left to right and then back to centre. why can’t she lie down still and be in tuned with the music?

she tried burying her head under the pillow. she tried taking deep breaths hoping that they will help her relax. she tried thinking about work. but it was all in vain.

why is her mind so occupied with that familiar face? she thought it was all over. she’s done with him! she’s moving on. yet..there’s a little silver string holding her back. what is that string? more importantly, what is the scissors that can snap it off?!

darn! the next thing that happened was outrageous to her mind! she muttered a prayer for him! now she really realised that she is hopeless in moving on!

she has tried soaking her head under water in denial. she has tried listing out all the bad qualities in him. she has tried listing out the criteria of his beloved and reasoned out that it’s definitely not her. she has tried cold war and avoiding. but she just can’t get him off her mind.

she needs supernatural intervention! she needs a potion. a magic potion that will help erase their memories together, the conversations and situations that sparked things off. she needs to see him with his true love, hand in hand in a “happily ever after” fairytale. she needs to find a new interest, a new hobby, a new distraction, a new love!

this is worse than being in a denial. denial can be beneficial.this is unsuccessful and ineffective denial. she’s doomed! she’s just…just…*sigh*…in love….

her only way out is through. to go through this period, to let the process take its own course, to let time drift the feelings away.

but why is it taking forever? how did she even allow herself to be in this mess?

no wonder we were told to guard our hearts. because once you let it loose, it runs wild.