Silence

sure hope you’re as cool as you claim to be.

your silence is making me scared.

sure hope i’m the one that is thinking too much.

i really don’t know what to do with you….

can life be much simplier than this? why do we always complicate things? why can’t we just be honest and stop doing/saying the things we don’t mean?

i am so stubborn…haha…

one thing

1 thing i ask: that i will not regret and make the wrong decisions.

help me…

My MS life

I don’t have Multiple Sclerosis but my medical student life is equally as depressing I can say. Seriously, while I was attempting to hunt for depressed patients during my Psychiatry posting, the only depressed people I found in the wards are the doctors!

I just had a really good 1 week break from madness and it was a fruitful time reflecting on my life and what’s ahead for me. And here’s a little summary of my MS life.

1. I love most: Talking to patients and sorting out their problems, clinical work.

 

2. I hate most: REPORTS! (just realize half my time is dedicated to writing reports..now and forevermore as a doctor! Argh!) EXAMS! They drive me nuts!

 

3. My greatest fears: Killing patients thanks to my ignorance or lack of knowledge. Get infected with a disease and bring home to my family and friends.

 

4. My inspiration: My patients (really…). Sun Ho (It’ll be a dream come true to be able to bring a little sunshine to people everywhere I go and generate income and good networking for community work…just like her)

5. In-awe moments: In the presence of the following people:

1. The great cardiologist. He’s just really inspiring!
2. The great Infectious Disease physician who dedicates his life to HIV/AIDS. He taught me all about being a competent and great doctor by the way he treat his “babies” (HIV patients)
3. The Ortho King (he treated my mom when she had 3 slipped discs! 3!!!!). He taught me that resistance is futile! Haha!
4. The great surgeon. Will never forget his muscular hands when he was rolling up his sleeves to teach us gowning. Surgeon hands!

 

6. Emo moments: When patients that I know personally die. When pregnant mothers are emo and ask you to save their babies.

 

7. Joyous moments: When babies are born healthy and the delivery is uncomplicated. When patients thank you for helping them

 

8. Traumatic experiences: Watching an emergency delivery of a premature and deformed baby with hydrocephalus. And watching the autopsy last week. I still feel like puking when I see meat!

 

9. My passion: Pregnant mummies and babies! I can yack with them for hours about motherhood and pregnancy! And keeping healthy people healthy (fruits, vege, water, exercise, milk, low fat…bla bla bla…)

 

10. My obsession (most of us have one): Hand washing!

 

11. My addiction (almost all of us have one!): Caffeine! (But has miraculously diminished during my Medan trip)

 

12. My cheerleaders: You know who you are. Thanks heaps for all the encouragement, calls, chats, SMSes, prayers, favours done, time to listen me wail, vent and complain. You guys keep me sane! Love ya all… (better not name names here in case I miss names out and people think it’s too sissy. Haha!)

 

13. My reward: My weekends at my favourite hangout place in Sunway!

 

14. My source of strength: My daily dates with the Love of my life in my room. DND!

 

15. My driving force: My calling, vision and purpose in life

 

16. My comfort: Having friends that go through the same thing as me. We keep each other alive! Haha…

 

Oh man! 2 more months to final year! Can’t believe it! Time flies! Really wonder what’s ahead for me…especially when I graduate with a license to either heal or kill! Scary wei…And the thought of housemanship….waaaahhhhh…..

Conclusion-nya?

So..what’s the conclusion of it all after much prayer, fasting and soul-searching?

I don’t know. Haha…believe it or not, I still do not have an answer. I’m still as clueless what you’re thinking and how I should go about it.

But there’s one thing I know for sure. That I just really want you to be happy, not so san fu and see your dreams come to pass one by one. Really…you’re an indispensable friend and I cherish you a lot.

Although I do get confused by you, which is the real you? Who you really are? But nevertheless, I still love you ya.

I’m still clueless what makes you happy and how I can make you happy. Guess I just gotta use my discernment more. Hehe…Remove any possible aggravating factors is a good start. Leaving you alone sometimes is a good way too I think. I think.

As for me, I’ve learnt many lessons the past 6 months. Precious lessons that build my character and future. And thank God things didn’t turn bitter or sour. Painful at times, emotional at times, but no big damage done. For that, I’m grateful.

Just remember and be assured that I’m praying for you everyday. Can’t wait to see your dreams come true. I’ll always be here to cheer you on, to support you and to help make your dreams come true ya. Would be in short skirt and hold poms poms to cheer you on if I could! Hehe…

The prophecy will come to pass ya… It’s just a matter of time…

Day 4 :)

Day 4: He painted a picture.

I first saw a garden, beautiful one. And I was just walking in this garden, without any paths. And I had to watch my steps so that I don’t step on things that I don’t want to, like dirt, sharp things, etc. And I was wondering, why aren’t there ready-made paths so that my walk will be easier? Then I looked back and realise, the steps that I took formed the paths. And initially it felt a little lonely cos I was just watching my 2 feet so closely, I didn’t lift my eyes off them! And then as I relaxed a little, I realised that there are other people walking on that garden, just like me! And they were forming their own paths too. And then when I got even more relaxed, I realise that Someone was holding my hands to guide me each step. And as I saw a bigger picture, I noticed that our paths were intertwined and crossed each others.

See…the decisions and “steps” we take in life form the story and the path of our lives. Sometimes we are so absorbed in our own little world, we feel so lonely and we think we’re the only person who has to go through this in life. If only, we not only look at our 2 own feet, we’ll realise that others are on this journey of life too. And when we’re not so absorbed with our little path and begin to trust Him and relax, we’ll realise that He has been holding our hands and guiding our path all this while. And in life, we’re not meant to live alone. Our dreams and destiny always involve other people. People whose destiny and dreams are intertwined with ours also.

Beautiful eh?

That picture brought me to tears at 6 something in the morning during morning prayer meeting.

After that, I decided to go swimming after a good breakfast with some friends. As I was swimming, I was just pondering upon courage. Why do we lack courage? How do we conquer fear? And something hit me. Perfect love cast out all fear. And courage is not the absence of fear, but the conquest of it. So, perhaps, the answer to the lack of courage is something as simple as love?

If you have a dream and you don’t have the courage to pursue it, your love for that dream will drive the fear away. If you’re in love and you don’t have the courage to pursue, your love for that person will drive that fear away. If you have things in your heart to do for God in this lifetime and you have fears about it, your love for God will drive that fear away. No?

Or perhaps, there’s another way of looking at it: That the love that God has for us is perfect. And it’s the conviction and knowing that God loves us so much, that we know He only has the best for us. And that assurance drives out fear from our lives.

Haha.

SUNshine is just so recharged and loved by God. For that, I’m really, really grateful.

Words

what should she do now? why is he so cold? perhaps he is uncomfortable. perhaps she should distant herself more. did she do anything wrong?

why is he so snappy, so harsh with his words? it’s either silence or harsh words. where did love go? where did the joy and laughter that first attracted her go?

this is becoming scary.

she doesn’t hope for anything more than a friendship, nothing more than for him to be happy and for both of them to be comfortable. 

sometimes, she really wonders how much do we mean the words we say? if we don’t, why say them? and why do we not say the words that we mean?

an jing shi wo jui hou de wen rou…

Love is…

Day 3 today and this is what He said:

Love IS willing.

I recently heard a very beautiful quote and I never really thought about the depth of it till this morning when God said those 3 words to me.

“Love sees more, not less. But because love sees more, it chooses to see less.”

Why would love do something like that? For the same reason that love endures, love is long suffering, love gives, love puts the other person above self. Isn’t that difficult and painful? Yes it is. But why would love still endure? Because love is willing.

What if you’re not willing? How do you make yourself willing?

There just isn’t a way to make yourself willing to love. Because love itself IS willing. What makes you willing is love itself.

Same reason why God forgives, God made a way, God blesses although we not only do not deserve them, sometimes we behave as if we don’t appreciate them. Because love is willing.

And I was reminded to remember this all the days of my life. Perhaps it will help me to be more patient, endure long suffering more and slow to anger.

Contradiction

today was a beautiful and joyous day for her. she not just saw him, but she saw him happy.

it’s a weird feeling. a somewhat contradictory one. a mixture of gladness and sadness. a blend of peace and anxiety. an assimilation of conviction and doubt.

she saw him happy. but she wasn’t the source of his joy. she saw him doing things he likes, but not with her. she found out the people that bring joy to him, but it’s not her.

she’s more and more convinced how important this person is to her, but is doubting more and more that it’s mutual. perhaps..just perhaps..she did get things right afterall. it somehow feels unfair. it somehow feels that he was the one that started it. but she has only herself to blame to allow herself to get into this mess.

but it doesn’t seem to matter anymore. as long as he’s happy, that’s all that matters to her. she has no quelms about him going out with the other her …alone. or him having loads of fun without her. as long as he’s happy, healthy and doing well, that’s all that matters to her.

perhaps it really is true: true love is when you long to see your significant other happy, even if it means not having you in his/her life and future.

the more she ponders upon this, the more she realise how silly it was for her to think that perhaps…just perhaps…there’s a little chance of them being happy together. this is not her game. she’s not up to it. she’s nowhere near to giving him the happiness he deserves. she’s not able to give him as much as she hopes to. sometimes, it feels that he’s much happier without her.

if only he would say something…perhaps with him not saying anything is the best indication of what truly is inside. if out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, does it mean that out of the lack of the heart, the mouth is silenced?

Day 2

Today is Day 2 of soul searching and it’s going from glory to glory.

So Daddy’s love letter to me today is this: Don’t worry about your future and let tomorrow worry about itself. For eyes have not seen and ears have not heard, the things that God has in store for those who loev Him. So why bother worrying and trying to plan and figure it all out? Things have a natural way of progressing, but there’s also divine, supernatural and spritual interventions in your life.

Awesome eh? That just reminded me to not read too deeply into my future and really to learn  to trust God. Trust that He’s in control and really..He has only the best in mind for me.

And I’m really amazed by the peace that is in my mind and heart. My circumstances can be like storms and tsunamis and yet I have great peace to know that things will be alright and I still can sleep well at night. For that, I’m grateful.

Today was fun! Laughed my head off and burnt all the calories during breakfies because I was with some really funny people. Love them heaps! They are so funny and they keep me sane and young! Hahahaha…

Swimming was fun today because SUNshine went with another 3 dudes. But I felt demoted back to ikan bilis because one of them can swim like a shark! Waliao! He swims so well! But really…it was fun!

But I was so tired when I came back and had lunch, I just fell flat! Hahaha….I didn’t even realise I fell asleep and for so long! Hahahaha…Time to catch up with my report now!

Can’t wait for Day 3! What’s in line for me ya?

Wish I can live a life like this fulltime! So fun!

Amazingly fruitful day :)

Today was a really, really fruitful day for SUNshine. So happy!

Woke up at 5.15am to get ready to go for morning prayer meeting. Then had a good, light breakfast after prayer meeting with some fun people. Then helped count offering and had an emo session with Eric where he read awesome quotes with some emo Korean song. Haha! That was really hilarious!

Then SUNshine went swimming! Yay!!!!! I swam 20.5 laps today! Awesome or what? My buddy say I can be promoted to whale already! I was first Miss Turtle, then ikan bilis, then dolphin and now…whale!

Then I came back home and got ready to go meet Si Ling and Poh Jeann. 2 friends who are also medical students who went to Medan with us. They study in another uni. The cool thing is this: After lunch, PJ casually asked if I would like to tag along her to the mortuary for a post-mortem session! Waliao! Things that medical students offer each other and do when we spend time together! Hahaha….

The session was awesome. Cos we don’t get anatomy classes or forensic lessons this way, it was my first experience. And it was a high profile case. woohooo…Haha…She died cos of fall from height. :S The whole process was gross…and STINKY! Really stinky! Aaahh…The smell was so bad I’m still nauseated now. And I couldn’t eat meat for dinner. This happened to me in Sem2 also, when we had a trip to see dead bodies! Argh! Gross! One thing’s for sure: I won’t opt to be a pathologist!

Then it was time to pick my sissy up from school. Came back, showered, had a 15-minute nap, had dinner and it was time to go for leader’s meeting. Now…SUNshine completely pamcit already!

But just one thing to share. Today is Day 1 of soul-searching and seeking for future plans and review and all. And it’s awesome. In the morning, God dropped this in my heart: Do not belittle and dilute the dreams and standards that He placed in my heart.

And during leader’s meeting, this was what He dropped in my heart: Just because I chose to love Him doesn’t mean I cannot have other desires and joy in life. In fact, it is because I chose Him that I shall have these desires and joy in life.

Isn’t God sweet and a loving Father? SUNshine is really praying and fasting for some gungho, on fire kinda Do’s and Don’ts list. But God started  by just showing me that He really loves me.

Pamcit already…time to sleep. Gotta be up early for prayer meeting again. Love it! Prayer meeting, breakfast with the people I love and swimming! Awesome!

Nite…