I know…

what joy God has blessed her in her life. life is indeed beautiful.

as always, she’s excited to go to her favourite hang out place. yay! it’s the weekends again!

this weekend was a little different. she was greeted by nervous ushers who were a little afraid that an elderly lady who had a heart bypass done 5 months ago will collapse during service due to the great excitement! haha…that made her giggle. but she talked to the lady just to make sure she’s alright. what a pleasant chat.

yay! finally the band plays and the lights were flashing! awesome! she loves to worship.

but as she was drawn deeper and deeper into the presence of her Maker, her heart began to ache. her eyes welled up with tears. one thing’s for sure: she’s found before her Creator.

and in that special moment, she became true to herself. she couldn’t help it. she couldn’t pretend or put a mask before Him. she knew..the feelings are still there. she didn’t know how to describe them, she didn’t know what to do with them. she could only utter, “God, help…please…”

as the tears rolled down her eyes, she wished the emotions left her with them. they didn’t.

there was only one thing that could have made her feel better. that is to run to him, hug him and tell him all that she has been keeping in her heart and ask for forgiveness.

but she couldn’t. he was so near, yet so far.

as reality slips back, her mind gave her a wake up call. she could only wipe the tears away and put back that familiar smile on her face.

she cherishes every moment she spent with him, even when there’s only silence, even when she could only watch and listen to his conversations with his friends. they remind her that he is no longer available, impossible to be hers. every moment she’s with him brought her closer to reality, to the things expected of her, to the things that are practical. they drown her emotions. they help push her further and further away from him.

yet in all the pain, she has decided to show him respect, to not say words that will possibly cause him pain. to go the second mile for him. to learn to “get things right”. much easier said than done, but she has to learn and try.

and through all these, she still believes that her needs are important to Someone. Someone who will provide, Someone who understands, Someone who has wired her exactly the way she is.

Someone who whispered words to her that comforted her.

and all He said was: “I know…”

One of those days

on certain days, SUNshine feel horrid. those are the days she wonders if things will ever work out, if she’ll ever be a good doctor, if she’ll ever be a specialist/consultant in the field of her choice, and if her marriage will really be happy, will her kids be good, will they ever live to their fullest potential that God has placed in their lives. wait..will she even get married? is there really a man that will love her enough to accept her as who she is, and at the same time, accept the terrible career that she so loves? will she ever be good enough in all she does?

yesterday and today are such days. sigh.

is the wait worth it? is it worth hoping and trying? what if i’m really getting it all wrong? what if all that i’m doing now is wrong and i end up at the wrong place? a place that i don’t want to be. what if i’m not doing the right thing? what if i’m not doing what’s require to be where i hope to be?

then, she realises something. i cannot afford to just wait and not dare to do anything because of the fear of taking the wrong move. the truth is this: life goes on. if i’m not moving on with it, i’ll be left behind. and that, is a guarantee of being in the wrong place. i might as well try. try the best way i know how, and hope to end up in the right place.

on “one of those days”, SUNshine will also wonder why people get what they want, but she doesn’t. until, she randomly picked on one of her friends’ blog to read. her life is so happy! so wonderful! aahh..what great joy! and she wished that her blog sounds exactly like that too! until she realise one truth: both of their seasons and stages in life are so different. while SUNshine is still studying in university, going through what screwed-up, emotional dweebs go through, her friend is a mother of a kid, taking care of her family. giggles!

and that gave me a revelation to just enjoy the mess and mud of being young. haha..oh yes…including the heartbreaks and confusions and emotional roller coasters! because i will grow older and be too old for puppy love, confusions, schoolwork and upset-over-nothing moments!

hahaha….and that revelation cheered her up on “one of those days”

Sorry

the sunlight gave him a harsh wake up call. he jumped straight up! “crap! how come i slept?” he wondered.

he took a quick peep at the clock and released a sigh of relief. it was still early. he rubbed his eyes as he walked to the bathroom and took a glance at the mirror to check how he looked. it’s an important day anyway. darn. he looked horrid after many sleepless nights.

he wished he looked better. he finally will give it a shot. he didn’t know how much hope he ought to hold on to, but he had to try. he had to see her.

he quickly dressed up the best way he knew how. if she’s still angry, let’s just hope she’ll be soften by physical appearance. sigh. what should he say when he finally sees her?

the journey felt like forever although it was only an hour away. every kilometer was spent thinking of the right words to say. he just cannot imagine his life without her. he cannot allow that to happen.

he finally reached her house. he said a quick prayer, took a deep breath and dialled her number. sigh. as expected, she refused to pick up the call again. it was 10am. where else can she be? if she’s doing afternoon shift, she should be home. unless…she’s avoiding him.

but he cannot give up just like that. he cannot leave and risk the possiblity of losing her. there’s only one thing he can do: wait until someone passes through that gate and door.

every minute he spent outside the gate passed extremely slowly. if only he can fastforward time. perhaps, it would be better to turn back time. this would probably not have happened.

he checked his watch again. and it was already 1.30pm. still no sign of her. the scotching sun gave him a headache. it doesn’t help when he has not been eating due to poor appetite. just when he was about to yell out loud in frustration, a car stopped right at the gate where he was waiting.

“hi. are you looking for someone?”

“yes. i’m sunny’s boyfriend. i’m waiting to meet her.”

“oh..i see. would you like to come in first?”

“yes, please. thank you.”

it was another hour of waiting when he finally heard someone opening the door. finally! she’s back!

he wasn’t too sure if she was shocked or upset to see him. but he definitely had a mixture of relief and anxiety to meet her. he sure hope that didn’t give him a stupid expression!

“what are you doing here?!”

“i missed you. you’re not picking up my calls. so, i came to see you..and hope we can talk things out.”

“i don’t think there’s anything left to talk about.”

“there is! just give me one chance to explain it”

“no…i think you better leave.”

crap! what was he suppose to do?! leave?! no way!

out of desperation, he fell on his knees and tried to mumble out whatever words that came to his mind. argh! he was just so frustrated , he didn’t know what to say. but one thing’s for sure: he cannot leave that place without knowing for sure he has got his baby back.

he wished they didn’t have to go through this. he wished he was more careful. he wished he could give whatever that makes her happy. he wished she didn’t look so angry and sad. he wish…argh! but it was too late!

suddenly, tears just well up in his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. he was lost for words. he just didn’t know what to say anymore. he just felt sorry and horrid.

“baby..i’m sorry you have to go through this. i’m sorry i made you sad when i promised to make you happy. but i really cannot live without you. i need you, hun. please give me one more chance. give us one more chance?”

when she turned around and he saw the tears in her eyes, he quickly ran towards her and hugged her. he just couldn’t bear seeing her cry. at last, he got his baby in his arms.

 

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Giggles! I didn’t expect myself to feel so cheesy and geli while writing this! Haha…very much inspired by what happened today. i’m so sorry you had to go through this and i’m so sorry for being such a jerk about this too.

Aku masih…

di lubuk hatiku

masih tersimpan

tetap ada rasa

rinduku pada dirimu

apakah dayaku

untuk meneruskan perjalanan ini

tanpa dirimu

Tuhan tolonglah daku

katakan padanya

ku masih cinta dia…

 

————————————————————————————————————————————————-

very much inspired by something that happened today.

Fruitful day :)

aaahhh…what a fruitful day! SUNshine is happy!

Woke up real early and head off to wards. Had 2 case presentations today and 1 was cancelled. Then had so much fun helping Dr Jan take blood! Haha! She’s hilarious! And yeah… I took blood from femoral artery today! OK..I think I hit the vein..But oh well..there’s always a first attempt to hit an artery! Whee!

Then we had a fun lunch and back to wards for CP. Hehe…Had seminar which was erm…boring…Then it was fun time! Went swimming with Soph..so fun! I love swimming! And I love it even more when I swim with someone fun! She swims like a fish and I swim like a…erm…turtle! Haha….

Then it was dinner/counselling.

Aahh…amazingly fruitful and tiring day. But a happy day!

More preparation to do and looking forward to tomorrow’s CG! It’s gonna be so awesome! So excited! Can’t wait!

Life is really beautiful and meaningful…

Wish I can share this with someone. Hehe…Wonder what my dear is doing now? Hehe…where is he? what is he doing? is he happy? is he sad? Does he know Jesus yet? Is he working or studying? Haha…Clueless! Should show him this blog entry in future. Hehe… Dear God ,take care of my dear and help us find each other…soon…Haha…

Moments

in moments when she’s weak aka tired, stressed, sad…she misses him big time!

but in moments when she’s strong aka happy, having fun, excited…she feels really silly for missing him!

but at all times, she thinks about him. and all she can do is say a little prayer for him and for herself. for his life to be better and happier, for herself to let him go.

it’ll end real soon. either the misery ends in his arms or with her in his arms.

yet, she’s surprised and grateful that her life is still filled with much joy.

Xiang Tai Duo

 

Ni xiao zhe shuo Ta shi peng you
你笑着说 他是朋友
You smiled and said, he’s just a friend

Dan ni yan zhong tai wen rou
但你眼中太温柔
But there’s too much gentleness in your eyes

Wo de bu an Na me chen zhong
我的不安 那么沉重
My insecurity, is so heavy

Zhi you ni bu dong
只有你不懂
Only you don’t understand
Ta ba zhan le ni de xin zhong
他霸占了你的心中
He has taken over your heart,

Shu yu wo de jiao luo
属于我的角落
the corner that belonged to me

Suo yi ni shuo
所以你说
So you said,

Wo men Bu shi ni he wo
我们 不是你和我
‘Us’ is not you and me

Shi wo xiang tai duo Ni zong zhe yang shuo
是我想太多 你总这样说
I think too much, you always said that

Dan ni que mei you Zhen de xin teng wo
但你却没有 真的心疼我
But you never really cared for me

Shi wo xiang tai duo Wo ye zhe yang shuo
是我想太多 我也这样说
I think too much, I also said that

Zhe shi wei yi neng An wei wo de li you
这是唯一能 安慰我 的理由
This is the only reason that can comfort me

Wo xiang wo mei you cuo guai le shen me
我想我没有错怪了什么
I think I didn’t mistakenly blamed anything

Sui ran ni bu shuo Huo xu cuo zai wo
虽然你不说 或许错在我
Even though you didn’t say, but maybe the mistake is with me

Tai wan wo cai dong Ai le ni tai duo
太晚我才懂 爱了你太多
I understood too late, that I loved you too much

————————————————————————————————————————————————-

This song describes the feelings of someone I know. EMO-nya!!! Haha….

Take care girl. May your little heart be strong…

Help!

Dear God,

Please help! Learning to do my best for You!

This is overwhelming but excited to overcome! It’s a priviledge to handle so much at 1 go, but I’m dead tired!

Help!

Love,

Your Sun Sun

He’s sad

for the first time today, he looked sad.

she’s not sure why. maybe she makes him sad.

but he should be fine. he has his ways of dealing with it and at least, he is happy at this moment.

she better stay away and out of sight to make sure he is happy.

Love?

how could 1 conversation make that much of difference?

did she have such a wrong picture of him in her mind? or was she blinded by the perception and views of others? or perhaps it’s just one side of him that she has never seen?

but yes, she was impressed. very impressed.

a little thrill of joy filled her heart. first, the joy that comes from being amazed by his wisdom. secondly, the joy that comes from the freedom she received.

now the whole situation made sense. the confusion is clear. indeed everything that flows out to the external births forth from the internal.

she has finally understood the way to judge the whole situation. either way, she knows she has to let go.

yet, she’s glad and relieved  that the situation was weighed that way. at least he is a man of wisdom and principles.

what a shame that she will never be cherished and loved by this man. or rather, she has never been. extrapolating from his analysis and way of thinking, she’s definitely not the one he wants. there is no reason for him to and it is not practical. too troublesome for his liking.

and since she was so impressed by the way he analyses, she might as well learn to analyse the way he does. and analysing the situation and condition, nope..she’s definitely not the girl.

finally she’s convicted. finally, there’s a sense of freedom. and finally, she is convinced to leave him alone just as he is, as much as serving him brings joy to her. because finally, he has earned her respect and trust that he makes more sense.

but what great joy it is to be praying for him everyday. gives her the assurance that he is receiving the best he can in his life. watching his dreams come true one by one made her heart skip and made her smile. just one more dream to make her retreat from it all. his dream of having her hand.

i call this love.